31 is my new 21

I have always thought that some of the best times of my life were as a teenager - Fuck!! How wrong was I!!!

I also had a pretty great year when I was 21 and single, surrounded by friends and family, standing on my own two feet and supporting myself and my son without any help from a man. Granted I crashed and burned in a big way, but I was happy (well kinda miserable - but felt pretty good about myself)

I've just turned 31 - and guess what??? I'm pretty fucking happy.

X did nothing to destroy this birthday - he didnt get me a present, but not destroying it was a pretty good present.

ACDC absolutely rocked, experience of a fucking lifetime. Most of my close friends and family went to see them on their Black Ice tour, and because some of them missed out, got stuck in seats or trampled in the mega mosh I feel kind of bad sharing the fact that I got a last minute invite to go see them on Saturday night.

And not just any invite - a laminate style invite, the kind hundreds of thousands would've killed to possess. And a really cool crew t-shirt which somehow managed to get signed. At first I didnt believe Mcgoo when he said I should come down to Sydney for my birthday - not that I didn't believe his invite (McGoo Fuckin Rocks!!!) - but because I didn't believe ACDC would be playing on Feb 20th - the 30th anniversary of Bon Scotts death (and my 31st B'day).

I will treasure that night for a long time to come - It almost out did my previous favorite birthdays, then the following night I got a text from someone I had been longing to hear from. I guess all in all it is definitely up there in the top 3 birthdays in my life.


(yes the txt was from the rockstar)

Another year passes

Another Day passes, Another year ends, Tomorrow is my birthday. Another year of life over, Another ready to begin.

My year of being 30 brought me much pleasure and even more pain. But because I lived through it I will never be the same.

I'm feeling all nostalgic, and a little sorry for myself. The last time I had a great birthday was in 1994 when I turned 15. It is hard for me to choose my favorite birthday, but 14 and 15 are pretty much neck and neck. They were just amazing!!

Every birthday since has been tinged with sadness, and often loaded up with pain. 16 was possibly the worst, but that was the last before my ex was to blame.

I always felt that Feb 20th was just a special date, it wasn't until my 14th that I felt like it was fate. Kurt Cobain shared my Birth Date, My Chinese Zodiac too. It was on my 14th that I got to celebrate this fact.

I was living in a teenage refuge, glad to have escaped my fathers roof and wrath. I didn't think It would be a very happy day. In the refuge we could only receive phone calls from family members, and was shocked when the worker came to get me to tell me my cousin was on the phone.

My cousin? My eldest cousin was about 9 at the time, and knew there was no way they would be calling me, and certainly not at the place I was staying. Somewhere between the loungeroom and the office where the phone was, the penny started to drop.

Could it possibly not be my cousin, but maybe Noddy's cousin - aka The Star. He had left town just prior to Christmas, taking my heart with him. I had two or three boyfriends in the mean time, and so many more since. But the Star was my first and truest love. He was my 14th Birthday present. And no other present has ever quite measured up - not even when I got engaged exactly ten years later.

15 was special for other reasons, for it was the one celebrated the best. Surrounded by so many friends, a surprise party which I managed to ruin the surprise of!!! It still meant the world to me that my beautiful foster mother organised it for me when I though I was going to be spending the weekend alone. I was showered with gifts, not at great expense, but presents that were great and true. Many were hand made and beautiful, I still have most of them and treasure them deeply.

The best one was when little Ben literally gave me the shirt off of his back. A long sleeved black T-shirt, Led Zepplin's Swan Song. The boy upon whom I had the hugest of crushes took of his shirt and showed my his incredibly hot skeletal frame, and spent the rest of the day being my eye candy!! I will never forget that day. In the 16 years that have passed that shirt simply gets thinner and thinner, but I will never ever get rid of it.

15 was the last time I got to share my birthday with Kurt Cobain. Every year since then his shadow has remained.

16 was harsh and cruel, then I met Mr.E and he ruined all the rest. Just wonder what he has in store for me to rain on my parade!

De-Friended

Apparently "unfriend" was the word of the year for 2009 - @ least according to this article from dailymail.co.uk

They may say 'unfriend', however I think popular opinion would side with the slightly different term of 'de friend' to describe the action of removing a 'friend' from your friends list on social networking sites, most commonly Facebook. However after actually taking the time to actually "look" at what it says on facebook - I think the correct term would be removing a friend.

You may already know that at the beginning of the year I was in a little poke war with an ex love. I love Facebook poking! I really need to sit down and properly write about how my heart healed itself through a string of pokes, the amazing restorative properties of a very tiny icon. . . but today is not that day!

Today I'm going to tell you about poking another ex love, and 'accidentally' getting de-friended in the process! This is the ex love I wrote about in my post 'That Summer' I think I'll call him "the Star" for reasons only known to him.

He is such a great guy, great mate! Totally cracks me up whenever I'm Down, Supports me when I'm falling apart and encourages me when I feel like quitting! He really is a star!

I hadn't chatted with him for a week or two, and the poking war had begun to diminish, I figured I'd start one with him. Only for entertainment value - & for the fact that you can know someone's still alive and kicking when they don't upgrade their Facebook status. (I truly believe there is so much more to be said for the facebook poke - its truly marvelous!!)

A day or two later I was checking out Super Poke on Facebook - so much more to do than just poke! I decided to throw a sheep @ the star, but when I went looking for him in my friends list, but he wasn't there!

I was scared for a second. Had the star fallen from the sky? Did I forget to make a wish as he shot across the sky on his way into social networking oblivion?

So I searched for him on Facebook, Found him easily (he really is a one of a kind. If I ever find another person with his name . . .well I will buy a lottery ticket!!!) There he was, the sweet pic of him and wife to be, there was the box saying mutual friends. But He was no longer my friend!!!

What had I done? I know I failed to answer him via Facebook chat, he called me a whore, If I had been at my computer I wouldve responded with slut, But this missed message was weeks ago. Pre Poke!

Hit friend request, added message - " De-friended me huh? Pfftttt!!

A day later my news feed showed The Star and Violet Goodwin are now friends.

Then get the message saying I mustv'e defriended him, Pffft! again.

Then the answer, if it wasn't you, and it wasn't me. . . I wouldn't call it de-friending, I'd call it drunken wife to be logging in as me.

Panic ensued, far greater panic than when I discovered I as de-friended. And a heavy dose of fear. I have lost many a male mate through marriage. I think I will still boy Mrs star to be a nice fancy set of cuttlery, I just won't mention he stabbed me, or that for one summer we swapped saliva!

Not really much point to this story, It's not funny or insightful. Perhaps in time I will edit it so it will be. I kind of lost my steam thinking of some really great, special and close male friends I have lost to marriage.


As an asside On Facebook you have friends, whilst on Twitter you are either a follower of someone or they are following you. I guess "un-follow" Might make the list for 2010!


mm the conversation with a possibly nosy wife could be another good or boring story to tell. The one that I felt sure was this mates wife questioning a discussion we had had online that later got tagged "naughty!"  I am not a man stealer and am always overjoyed when my mates find love. I just wish their loves could be secure enough to not be jealous of a female friend.

That Summer

I want to live like we did that summer.

This song is constantly playing on one of the lifestle chanels at the moment. Every single time I hear it I remember my amazing Summer Romance. He was the best boyfriend I ever had. Which is pretty sad. . . as it was the summer of 92-93!

He was (& still is) the most amazing guy. He treated me like a queen. Boosted my self-esteem no end - something he still does!  All the other girls wanted to be with him - he was soooooo hot! He was almost my ticket to cool lol.

I could write a million things about him, but never really get to the core of why he is such a special person, but I think the reason he was the best boyfriend I ever had is because he never hurt me. We never broke up, he never cheated on me or anything like that. He was a total flirt (& will always be) yet not in a way that ever made me jealous. It was just one of those perfect, innocent summer romances - one that lasted until the leaves started to loose their color and simply fell from the trees.

Actually he did hurt me once. He stabbed me in the back! He was playing with a fork and bent the tines to odd angles, once he grew bored of it he just left it outside lying on the ground near where we were sitting having a smoke.

I got a letter from my mum and went back outside to have a smoke whilst I read it. I sat on the ground, then laid down. Right on the upward facing tines of the fork!! I cried, he held me close to his chest and kissed my face, wiping away my tears. He really did treat me like absolute royalty.

Even now - 17years later I still love him. I love him dearly. But in the 17 years the love has evolved, I love him like a brother - yeah it seems incestuous, but I can't  explain it any better than that. He is now a good mate, one that I know I could call on day or night if ever I needed him, I hope he knows the same goes for him.

He's getting married next year, and I'm going to definitely buy him and his wife a set of fancy cutlery, all in the hopes that she'll leave one with bent tines in the bed - & pay the cheeky bastard back. I just hope that un-like other male friends, that marriage won't mean an end to our friendship.

One day I will write our story - properly. I've written it before, It's a beautiful story despite some of the events being filled with extreme tragedy. Perhaps its the tradgedy that makes it so beautiful. two kids whose lives look so bad that there appears to be nowhere to go - but in each other they find the answers. It was all very romantic, No wonder no one has ever been able to measure up. Not even the one where  I had a crush on someone for a million years and finally got to taste the honey!


Josh Pyke
Summer
If I could bottle up the sea breeze I would take it over to your house
And pour it loose through your garden
So the hinges on your windows would rust and colour
Like the boats pulled up on the sand for the summer
And your sweet clean clothes would go stiff on the line
And there’d be sand in your pockets and nothing on your mind

But every year it gets a little bit harder
To get back to the feeling of when we were fifteen
And we could jump in the river upstream
And let the current carry us to the beginning where
The river met the sea again
And all our days were a sun-drenched haze
While the salt spray crusted on the window panes

We should be living like we lived that summer
I wanna live like we live in the summer

And I’ll remember that summer as the right one
The storms made the pavement steamlike a kettle
And our first goodbye always seemed like hours
In the car park in between my house and yours
And if the summer holds a song we might sing forever
Then the winter holds a bite we’d never felt before

But time is like the ocean
You can only hold a little in your hands
So swim before we’re broken
Before our bones become
Black coral on the sand

Muse

My muse

Most artists and creative types have a muse, one who inspires them to create their art, no matter what form their art is.

Edie Sedgwick is almost the Ultimate muse - Along with Campbell's Tomatoe soup She inspired Andy WarholI - I believe she also inspired Bob Dylan

I guess Frances Farmer was Kurt Cobain's muse to some extent - as I guess he is mine. Most people I know would think he would be my ultimate muse, he is my lyrical muse, a fellow tortured soul, & just someone I relate to in many weird and completely insane ways . . . I'm now officially seperated from Kurt Cobain by 2 degrees of seperation - more on that some other time.

Normally my art is inspired by events in my life, my emotions, and most often by music, lyrics and poetry. I was once told I had a Lyrical Soul, I truly believe this is true. But in all of my life I have never had one true muse.


I think I have found my own visual muse. She is beautiful, both outside and within. She is funny, caring, light hearted and deep @ the same time & is yet to take a bad photo. I see her day to day snapshots and envision works of art. I could write pages about her. She inspires me to the nth degree.

It has taken me a few months to digest that this person is my muse. At first it was an instant friendship, One that felt like your favourite comfy pyjama's. It felt like I had known her before, in a past life perhaps. At first I didn't quite realise why I felt such a strong magnetic like pull towards her. I even thought I had a crush on her (I'm 100% hetro, BUT I do strongly believe that when it comes to love gender doesn't necisarily blind our hearts), something I wasn't comfortable with - not because i'm homophobic - completely the opposite, but because she is so much younger than I am. She is a mere teenager. However over time I have gradually realised this feeling of love, appreciation & inspiration I'm feeling is because she is my muse.

I just don't have the courage to tell her yet.

P.S - this, like most of my posts, is un edited and raw. One day I will come back and give it some polish and finesse, but for now I just wanted to get it out, write it down.

-> what is a muse? Not even sure I can explain it - so check out muse @ wikipedia