My Bucket List

My Bucket List - V1.0

I figure everyone should have a 'Bucket List' - A list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket!


So I have resolved to start my own. I think 100 Items in the list is fair - I will have to come back and edit it to add some, and tick off those I have done.

But for now I present - Version 1.0 of My Bucket List

1. Drink real Absinthe - the green spirit that was long banned
2. Eat something that has truffles in it
3. Have Jello (jelly for us in oz) shots
4, Meet Dave Grohl
5, Learn to play Love buzz on a bass
6. Leave some graffiti under the bridge
7. Go to the Atlantis Resort
8. Have breakfast and read the morning paper in central park
9. Ride Lethal Weapon @ Movie World
10.Get My MC (Multi Combination) licence - to legally drive a B-Double
11. Have sex in a body of water
12. Watch all of the Star Wars movies
13. Watch the entirety of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy (I always fall asleep after they leave the shire)
14. Live in a city other than Sydney
15. Go Skinny dipping
16. Finish a Quilt so it can become a family heirloom
17. Finish the quilts my nan didn't get to
18. Be a size 16 again (well I can hope)
19. Get 'Cause the one's that hurt can give so much, you gave me such' tattooed on me
20. Do @ least one more demolition Derby

I think I will leave it @ 20 for now... The one thing I'd like to re-experience before I die is being pregnant and giving birth - crazy huh? lol  Maybe I only wish that because I know it can't happen!

til version 1.2 - ciao

If I were a meme

I love meme's - so this is probably the first of many to come...

I took this meme from Decoy Betty - & I know it needs to be reformated - but need to just store it here in case I haven't saved it before I reformat my laptop

If I were a month: February - always changing, it's the only month that changes

If I were a day of the week: I'd be a lazy Saturday afternoon - as on Sunday you have to get ready for monday.
If I were a time of day: I'd be 10:43pm - the most common time of day people have sex - or 3 am...
the witching hour - it's 3 am in the morning...eminem
If I were a planet: I'd be venus - mysterious and uncharted, but with a temperature so high it prohibits life.

If I were a sea animal:I'd be a great white shark
If I were a direction: I'd be north - so you could work out where you were when compared to me
If I were a piece of furniture: I'd be a comfy beat up sofa - may not look great but f*ckin comfy.

If I were a liquid: I'd be coke - vanilla coke

If I were an animal: I'd be a chamealeon - ever changing to try to fit into my surroundsif
If I were a gemstone, I’d be amethyst (kinda obvious - violet/pisces/febuary) - or a bright deep pink or black saphire

If I were a tree:I'd be a willow

If I were a tool: I'd be a swiss army knife - useful for all kinds of little things, but not useful for anything major.
If I were a flower: I'd be a vivid pink lily - or the ones from Meg's boquet (?)


If I were a kind of weather: I'd be the raging thunder storm after a hot summers day - the southerly that roars through
the gong and shire to chase the heat away


If I were a musical instrument: I'd be a bass guitar (but would love to be Dave grohl's set of drums!)

If I were a color: I'd be - well I am violet - but if I were a color... I could never stay the same - so a deep
holographic purple that changes colors depending on how you look at it - like on worked v8's.


If I were an emotion: I'd be that one funny moment that makes you smile whilst in the depths of great despair
- or the comfort in being sad

If I were a fruit: I'd be a blueberry - just cause they're cool

If I were a sound: I'd be the reverberation of Dave Grohl hitting a drum - or the bass line to love buzz
If I were an element, I’d be fire - despite my love of water - Fire can throw light into deep darkness, illumination and enlightenment, comfort and warmth yet also burn, damaging and destroying. Good and bad all converged into one..
If I were a car: I’d be a pony named Elanore
If I were a food: I'd be a steak sandwich form the grand Hyatt in Melbourne.
If I were a place, I’d be the safe comfort of my own bedroom - one for only me - my posters on the wall, my mattress on the floor.
If I were a material: I’d be well worn cotton jersey or pale soft faded denim
If I were a taste: I'd be a tequila sunrise, sweet yet sharp
If I were a scent: my favorite incense - nag champra
If I were an object: I'd be a goose down body pillow.
If I were a body part: I'd be a pregnant belly or a tattooed piece of skin
If I were a facial expression: I'd be the look of a light bulb switching on in someone's mind.
If I were a song: I'd be Violet - 'when I get what I want - then I never want it again' 'might last a day... might last forever'(or rape me - you're shit aint gunna bring me down)
If I were a pair of shoes: I'd be my rare cherry red & black marbled Docs - found in my size ( a stupidly huge 10) for $8 in a salvo's store

Which Way Now

Lost. Confused. Isolated. Uncertain. Scared.

I feel incredibly insecure. Insecurity scares me. Instability scares me. I am flooded with fear. (& overwhelmed by cliche's!!)

Choose - And you can only have one. You don't get to be the girl with the most cake. . .

The man you have loved, truly deeply loved, who love's you back, but it isn't fun, the excitement is gone and you are constantly feeling melancholy, yet you are secure in the fact therelationship will last if you are willing to put in the effort. . .

OR

The guy who turns you on and excites you. The one you have crushed on for years. The one you think is hotter than hot, but you feel is just using you. No security, no love, you are just an atm and fuck buddy. But he makes you happy and He's a sex god. . .

Which path do you take. . .

Love Buzz - a dream I once had, a memory I now have

Love Buzz has always been special to me. It symbolizes a dream I once had and now a new memory someone special created for me.

Love Buzz - NIRVANA's first single - a limited vinyl release of 1000 copies by sub pop records in 1988, the b-side was Big Cheese. It was the first single in Sub Pop's Single of the Month club. One day I intend to own a copy! (then my name can be on this list)   It later appeared on Bleach and the 'Blew' ep.

Bleach - NIRVANA's first album - back in the pre Dave Grohl days. It's muddy and more metallic. The lyrics more slurred and simplistic (most written a day or less in advance - & ever evolving when they played live), it cost $606.17 and took about 5 hours to record. To me Bleach is the definition and epitome of grunge.

I love this song, even if it's not an original song (it's a cover of shocking blue's 1969 single) - and the bass line ... OMG ...music has always been what keeps my soul alive ... But this bass line just ... Inexplicable ... It does amazing things to my mind, body and soul ... My own personal audio nirvana!

It was the first song I ever wanted to learn. That low dirty tone of the bass line mixed with the plastic pop style lyrics. I wanted to start a band just to play that song - I didn't let the fact I couldn't play any instrument other than a flute rain on my parade!! lol. It never happened.

Instead I just held the dream within my head, hoping one day to see it played. Later the dream evolved. One day all facets of this dream like fantasy will hopefully come true ...


When Kurt Cobain died I don't think I had seen him actually moving - I had a million photos and had seen music video's, but had never seen him speak, move or perform live. So In late '94 when Live! Tonight! Sold Out!!. was released on video I had to have it. I remember exactly where I watched it and the people who were there. Love Buzz was the highlight.


Kurt Stage dives into the mosh and belts this biker lookin security type guy in the head with his guitar, biker dude hits back. Pounding Kurt. Cue Dave ... He comes bursting out from behind the drum kit to help pull Kurt from both the mosh and the biker dude. Dave is the perfect knight in shining armor. (side note: my knight in shining armor just happens to look like Dave Grohl!!) And of course the live versions are far better as Dave by far out drums Chad Channing - and everyone else who's ever hit the skins - with the exception of Jon Bonham of course!!!!

Recently I happened to divulge my secret Love Buzz dream/fantasy to the Rock Star whilst chatting via msn (with video and audio). After watching the live clip, he gets up grabs a bass from another room and starts tuning it.


I had to hold my hand over my mouth to cover my shock and awe. Guitars, especially bass guitars have an aphrodisiac effect upon me.


Right when I thought it could get no better he says to me - ' I think they use drop D tuning' - don't ask me what the fuck drop D tuning is (he did explain, but I can't re-explain it) I think my heart skipped a beat. He knew NIRVANA used drop D tuning... In hindsight - of course he knew this - he is the Rock Star derr! I first met him when he was in a band!



None the less as he proceeded to play the bass line, all 5 notes, over and over again... I thought my heart would stop or fall out, or even both. It was ... Fucking AWESOME!!I was in heaven.


Now if he teaches me those 5 notes... well I don't think I should publicly say what I'd do lol.


There's so many reasons that I will never forget the Rock Star - but him taking the time and the effort to play that for me... Let's just say I hope one day to be able to reciprocate the favor. It is one of the nicest, sweetest and thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me.

Love Buzz is the holy grail of the NIRVANA fan

I love NIRVANA and I LOVE Vinyl - thus I love 'In search of Love Buzz... NIRVANA collection' - a blog about collecting NIRVANA vinyl!!


And for more cool NIRVANA rarities and full discography check out Digital NIRVANA or Live NIRVANA for all the live goodies!!

Dead Memories

Dead Memories.

Memories of Death.

Lost in my head.

My head is now lost.

Sitting in the dark.

Dark is sitting inside me.

We were never alive,
And we won't be born again.
But I'll never survive
With Dead Memories in my heart.

So when I got away,
I only kept my scars.
The Other Me Is Gone.
Now I don't know where I belong

Dead Memories - Slipknot - Warner Music 2008

In New York

The city that never sleeps - New York. Seems a good place for an eternal Insomniac. Third Night Straight, ZERO sleep. Lets hear it for New York!!!

In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
The lights will inspire you,
Lets here it for New York, New York, New York

"Take me out, Take me under, Lack of sleep, Lack of Slumber, Without Dreams, All sounds are Thunder, What is Peace, I'll always Wonder." Violet Goodwin

Pain and Agony or Lyrical Genius

Pain andAgony, Wrath and Rapture. All are evident in the Lyrics of my god. Kurt Cobain.

I can barely begin to explain the way his words have always spoken to me.

I can Barely begin to explain how Hot Dave Grohl is to my eyes. I held onto a crush for over half my lifetime, because... amongst other things, this guy looked like Dave Grohl. I only wish I had a photo to show you the crush guy!!

Anyway, was looking for Mr hottness that is Dave, and came across a post comparing the two former Bandmates. I couldn't help myself but to comment -> see below, but doubt what I wrote makes much sense as I head into the final straights of 48 hours without sleep!

I honestly can't decide which is more frustrating, Silence or Insomnia!

Anyway the Article -> From the Blog Entitled Facing Abuse -> the Post - Cobain and Grohl: Mythic Heroes. They are both my heroes in one way or the other. Kurt of my soul, Dave of my eyes and teeny bopper fan hormones.

As for my comments.... very badly written and not even thought out.... here they are:

You make some good points. I don’t know either of them, as I doubt many people who write about NIRVANA, Kurt, Dave etc do. But… there's always a but! I was there to witness it all, albeit at a distance.
We are formed by both nature and nurture. Our Genes and our lives experiences are what create our individual selves. They shared part of each others journey through life. I guess all I’m saying is that I agree, yet still feel an innate desire to defend Kurt.
Possibly even more so his lyrics. The man was a lyrical genius. Dave Grohl can out drum him, and I admit plays guitar ‘better’ than kurt. But when you are analysing Lyrics, especially those of Kurts, there is so much more written in between the lines. Often the empty spaces are packed full of meaning, where as at other times Lyrics that stand out as genius are merely words.
Kurt smells like teen spirit – a piece of insulting humor that was graffiti, but brought Generation X to our feet. A line such as “Who will be the King and Queen of all of the outcasted teens” speaks absolute volumes, yet was left in a notebook, not even getting the chance to fall victim to the cutting room floor. (it is a lyric from the originally penned smells like teen spirit – possibly the most hated piece of his brilliance)
Rape Me – I paid $3k to get a radio station to play it whilst fundraising for tsunami relief. Yes its Angry, Yes it’s in your Face, And YES its far too often misinterpreted, It actually speaks out against Rape and gives courage to its victims. It may well be the most brilliant of all his songs.
I love Dave Grohl, I absolutely do. And I understand the points you are making regarding his lyrics being much more upbeat and up tempo etc. But a Fairer comparison may have been between Heart Shaped Box by cobain and Marigold by Grohl, two different songs on the same single.
Not sure If I have a point as such….. But really hate the way that Rape me gets misinterpreted.!

And that's about that.

I am the ultimate Kurt Cobain Fan. I tattooed a K upon my chest, after many years of carving one there. I am lucky and honored (& crazy enough to love the fact) that I share his Birthday. I always knew Feb 20th was special. . . If I drew comparisons between our lives, I should've died at 27!!

Illumination by Candle Light

A Candle Never Loses its Light by Lighting Another Candle. an ancient proverb

When a Candle shares it's flame with another, Its flame is not diminished nor Its illumination dimmed. By sharing its flame with another, It creates another flame. A flame that can now also be shared and combined their ability to illuminate grows such that together they can shine light into places where darkness once hid.

I'd like to think that a Heart can be like a candle. Not loosing its love by sharing it with another, but rather gaining experience and the power that comes with such. Deepening and enriching the life of the hearts owner as well as the hearts it shares its Love with.

 At least that is my take - Once I can put that, along with a few points as to why guilt shouldn't be felt, My Reply to the message should be almost complete.

If only sleep were like a candle, or a heart. Yet again I ponder on my love for sleep and the unrequited love insomnia has for me.

Out of the Blue

It was rather odd. Completely out of the blue, without provocation, and for no reason I can come up with, I got a text from the person I've just spent almost 6 weeks pining for. The person whom I finally felt I'd gotten over.

Yesterday I was reading a post on a blog called Between the sheets, the author ponders why is it that When past loves hear that we are single again they find themselves compelled to contact us

I know that he hasn't contacted me because he's heard I'm single, my relationship status has remained constantly empty!

Apparently he was feeling bad, or guilty about the way things ended. Why couldnt he find the courage to say those words six weeks ago when I really needed to hear it. Despite being slightly peeved that he has now drawn up feelings I had worked so hard to put to bed, it's somewhat comforting that he still had my number.

I don't hold onto some stupid hope that the message was anything other than him feeling sorry for himself and wanting forgiveness to escape a guilt that must have somehow grown within his soul. I knew the person I was getting involved with, and silent treatment following one night stands was almost his reason dietre.

I still have questions, although I doubt he wants to answer them, let alone the balls to do so. Just taking a breath before I delve into actually speaking to him, or trying to tend to any of the unwoven threads. I don't even know if I want to. Why now? Why when I finally felt like I had completely moved on does this person pop up again just out of the blue?

I know Ive wanted him to walk back out of the fog, but just don't know how to feel or what to think. I did respond, but have left it open... not my usual way, but I need to think before I respond - would like to be able to rescue a friendship out of the entire kybosh!

De-Friended

Apparently "unfriend" was the word of the year for 2009 - @ least according to this article from dailymail.co.uk

They may say 'unfriend', however I think popular opinion would side with the slightly different term of 'de friend' to describe the action of removing a 'friend' from your friends list on social networking sites, most commonly Facebook. However after actually taking the time to actually "look" at what it says on facebook - I think the correct term would be removing a friend.

You may already know that at the beginning of the year I was in a little poke war with an ex love. I love Facebook poking! I really need to sit down and properly write about how my heart healed itself through a string of pokes, the amazing restorative properties of a very tiny icon. . . but today is not that day!

Today I'm going to tell you about poking another ex love, and 'accidentally' getting de-friended in the process! This is the ex love I wrote about in my post 'That Summer' I think I'll call him "the Star" for reasons only known to him.

He is such a great guy, great mate! Totally cracks me up whenever I'm Down, Supports me when I'm falling apart and encourages me when I feel like quitting! He really is a star!

I hadn't chatted with him for a week or two, and the poking war had begun to diminish, I figured I'd start one with him. Only for entertainment value - & for the fact that you can know someone's still alive and kicking when they don't upgrade their Facebook status. (I truly believe there is so much more to be said for the facebook poke - its truly marvelous!!)

A day or two later I was checking out Super Poke on Facebook - so much more to do than just poke! I decided to throw a sheep @ the star, but when I went looking for him in my friends list, but he wasn't there!

I was scared for a second. Had the star fallen from the sky? Did I forget to make a wish as he shot across the sky on his way into social networking oblivion?

So I searched for him on Facebook, Found him easily (he really is a one of a kind. If I ever find another person with his name . . .well I will buy a lottery ticket!!!) There he was, the sweet pic of him and wife to be, there was the box saying mutual friends. But He was no longer my friend!!!

What had I done? I know I failed to answer him via Facebook chat, he called me a whore, If I had been at my computer I wouldve responded with slut, But this missed message was weeks ago. Pre Poke!

Hit friend request, added message - " De-friended me huh? Pfftttt!!

A day later my news feed showed The Star and Violet Goodwin are now friends.

Then get the message saying I mustv'e defriended him, Pffft! again.

Then the answer, if it wasn't you, and it wasn't me. . . I wouldn't call it de-friending, I'd call it drunken wife to be logging in as me.

Panic ensued, far greater panic than when I discovered I as de-friended. And a heavy dose of fear. I have lost many a male mate through marriage. I think I will still boy Mrs star to be a nice fancy set of cuttlery, I just won't mention he stabbed me, or that for one summer we swapped saliva!

Not really much point to this story, It's not funny or insightful. Perhaps in time I will edit it so it will be. I kind of lost my steam thinking of some really great, special and close male friends I have lost to marriage.


As an asside On Facebook you have friends, whilst on Twitter you are either a follower of someone or they are following you. I guess "un-follow" Might make the list for 2010!


mm the conversation with a possibly nosy wife could be another good or boring story to tell. The one that I felt sure was this mates wife questioning a discussion we had had online that later got tagged "naughty!"  I am not a man stealer and am always overjoyed when my mates find love. I just wish their loves could be secure enough to not be jealous of a female friend.

Drugs . . . and learning Math

Theres a funny thing about Illegal drugs . .  Despite all of the incredibly negative effects they have on individuals and society as a whole, I saw this image on another website . . . And kind of came to the realisation that it sadly is true!!

I personally found the image posted @ It's Monopoly Money - And find an odd irony in the fact the image is titled 'Medicinal Marijuana' , I suppose the reason for the irony is that people buying weed in Australia get to learn the imperial system of ounces, quarter ounces and if you are into it enough pounds, despite the fact Australia is 100% Metrc.


I have unfortunately had the displeasure of knowing a high number of drug users in the past. Even with a low IQ  and often without a full high school education, the majority can do some pretty quick and odd calculations on the fly!

EG: 1ml Of Methadone Syrup contains 5mg of the drug, 1ml =$2.50  or $0.50c per mg. Throw either measure of 'mils' (both milliliters & milligrams are pronounced the same!!) at a person interested in buying or selling their Take Aay doses of Methadone and they will Immediately throw a figure back at you. Often before I could ever work out which kind of 'mils' either person was talking about!!

Buyer: "How many mils you got left"
me: thinking milligrams or milliliters?
Seller: "75"
Buyer: Doesn't get the chance to ask how much
Seller: " $37.50 thanks"
me: "thinking milligrams or milliliters?
Buyer: hands over $50
Seller: hand over said bottle o 'done' along with $12.50 change.
Both parties are long gone before I even work out what they were saying!!

Irony: It took me longer to work out the ratio's etc for this interaction than it took to type it!!

So if you are worried your being overcharged on your phone bill - find a drug addict to check it for you, apparently they are great @ math.

Sadly despite many varied methods I even FAIL epically when it comes to taking drugs - which I guess is EPIC WIN,

I just wonder if people discriminate against those who use medicinal marijuana in the same way they do against those who are prescribed the drug 'Physeptone' aka Methadone for long term intense pain. I guess I'll never know.

Fading Memories - - - & Revenge!!

I... I do not remember your love, Ellesime. I have tried to. I have tried to recreate it, to spark it anew in my memory. But it is gone... a hollow, dead thing. For years, I clung to the memory of it. Then the memory of the memory. And then nothing. I look upon you and I feel nothing. I remember nothing but you turning your back on me. Now I hunger only for revenge. And... I... Will... HAVE IT!!

Source:// http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Baldur%27s_Gate_series


Just seems kind of pertinent in regards to a special something - > for G <3 u - revenge is a dish best served stone cold, and ill help you prepare it when the time comes chicka

But it does also reflect the way I am feeling - minus the revenge.  Eventually I will take the time to visit all of my draft posts regarding how a whole bunch of facebook poke's healed my heart. Sounds Insane I know . . . but I am. . .

Someone came into my world for just a moment, but they left behind a light. A light which has illuminated the darkened caverns of my psyche, soul and heart. And given me more insight into

And for this, as well as for things they once did without ever knowing it - I am eternally greatfull. Wishing them nothing but the perfect happiness they deserve. (even if they don't believe it)

That Summer

I want to live like we did that summer.

This song is constantly playing on one of the lifestle chanels at the moment. Every single time I hear it I remember my amazing Summer Romance. He was the best boyfriend I ever had. Which is pretty sad. . . as it was the summer of 92-93!

He was (& still is) the most amazing guy. He treated me like a queen. Boosted my self-esteem no end - something he still does!  All the other girls wanted to be with him - he was soooooo hot! He was almost my ticket to cool lol.

I could write a million things about him, but never really get to the core of why he is such a special person, but I think the reason he was the best boyfriend I ever had is because he never hurt me. We never broke up, he never cheated on me or anything like that. He was a total flirt (& will always be) yet not in a way that ever made me jealous. It was just one of those perfect, innocent summer romances - one that lasted until the leaves started to loose their color and simply fell from the trees.

Actually he did hurt me once. He stabbed me in the back! He was playing with a fork and bent the tines to odd angles, once he grew bored of it he just left it outside lying on the ground near where we were sitting having a smoke.

I got a letter from my mum and went back outside to have a smoke whilst I read it. I sat on the ground, then laid down. Right on the upward facing tines of the fork!! I cried, he held me close to his chest and kissed my face, wiping away my tears. He really did treat me like absolute royalty.

Even now - 17years later I still love him. I love him dearly. But in the 17 years the love has evolved, I love him like a brother - yeah it seems incestuous, but I can't  explain it any better than that. He is now a good mate, one that I know I could call on day or night if ever I needed him, I hope he knows the same goes for him.

He's getting married next year, and I'm going to definitely buy him and his wife a set of fancy cutlery, all in the hopes that she'll leave one with bent tines in the bed - & pay the cheeky bastard back. I just hope that un-like other male friends, that marriage won't mean an end to our friendship.

One day I will write our story - properly. I've written it before, It's a beautiful story despite some of the events being filled with extreme tragedy. Perhaps its the tradgedy that makes it so beautiful. two kids whose lives look so bad that there appears to be nowhere to go - but in each other they find the answers. It was all very romantic, No wonder no one has ever been able to measure up. Not even the one where  I had a crush on someone for a million years and finally got to taste the honey!


Josh Pyke
Summer
If I could bottle up the sea breeze I would take it over to your house
And pour it loose through your garden
So the hinges on your windows would rust and colour
Like the boats pulled up on the sand for the summer
And your sweet clean clothes would go stiff on the line
And there’d be sand in your pockets and nothing on your mind

But every year it gets a little bit harder
To get back to the feeling of when we were fifteen
And we could jump in the river upstream
And let the current carry us to the beginning where
The river met the sea again
And all our days were a sun-drenched haze
While the salt spray crusted on the window panes

We should be living like we lived that summer
I wanna live like we live in the summer

And I’ll remember that summer as the right one
The storms made the pavement steamlike a kettle
And our first goodbye always seemed like hours
In the car park in between my house and yours
And if the summer holds a song we might sing forever
Then the winter holds a bite we’d never felt before

But time is like the ocean
You can only hold a little in your hands
So swim before we’re broken
Before our bones become
Black coral on the sand

Not Insane - It's Pulling teeth

A while ago I posted some photos of my leg covered in graffiti - Gosh I LOVE <3 <3 <3 my sharpie lol

I'd written what I was sure were lyrics to a Green Day song - "I declare that my love is true"

I was so definate about it as everytime I read the words in my head I could hear the tune. I also knew it was the last line of the song, and I was pretty sure it was off of Dookie.

Well I was Right - but I was Wrong. . .

It goes ""Just keep saying my LOVE is TRUE""

Well @ least I know I'm not totally psycho - ad the title is ironic, but in a 'you had to be there' kind of way.

And I was SOOoooooo wrong when I thought the 69 looking symbol was 4 Pisces, and the two arcs were Cancer. hmmm been so wrong, have had them mixed up since I last dated a cancer lol. Theres an awful lot more behind the symbols - but oly I know what it all means

**I also ALWAYS 4get how to spell Pisces


Ad despite drinking alcohol, not drinking coke, taking a valium and other things to help me sleep - Ive got the worst type of insomnia - the one where I fall asleep @ 9 or 10 only to wake up an hour later unable to sleep - I'm seriously close to some kind of homicidal suicidal like outbursts - jk, but seriously!

Another Poke

It has been a very long 10 days. . . It has at times been agonizing.

But finally, I got that magic poke.

The poke I had been longing for,  - no matter how pathetic that is,
I'm almost proud to admit I'm pathetic, because It is the truth.

I even got a little more than a fb poke.

I got a sweet, short & succinct fb msg reply.

And just that alone, well it made my heart beat faster, it put the bright sunbeam quality back into the smile I had lost.

No matter how tiny, no matter how pathetic, I will always choose hope over doubt.

Even if my funny (well I thought it was funny) txt msg didn't warrant a reply.

I will cling to my hope and hold tight my dreams . . .  for  "the best laid plans of  mice and men often go awry"

I know the quote is about everything going wrong - this is exactly why I cling to hopes and dreams - the theme of Steinbeck's story, For everything has gone awry, but I still may just come out of it alive, and be all the better for it.

 For It is in our dreams that we find comfort when there is no other comfort to be found
Text quoted is from "Of Mice & Men" by John Steinbeck, which was originally written in a poem called "To a Mouse" by Robert Burns All other text plus the image are all mine lol

Backstage Whore

I've been blessed @ certain times in my life.

For a few years I got to tour with some of the coolest bands in the country, and some of the biggest bands in the world.  Jet = relatively small but really cool, Rolling Stones = big, & VERY fuckin' pretentious, and although it was cool to see them and eat with their gold cutlery, they were not cool!

I have a collection of "Acess All Areas" passes - aka laminates, that is so big I can't wear them all @ once. I have tour books that are signed, probably worth a bit on eBay. But the cool factor of these tour schedules is limited by time - for they include the bands itineraries whilst they are in the country. Not just when & where the concerts are, but which hotel they are staying at, when they will be here or there and all the flights they will be catching. I probably couldv'e made a mint selling the info - but to be honest that would be completely against my morals.

I wasn't just lucky to get backstage. I didn't win a lottery, nor did I have any professional reason for me to be backstage. I'm not a photographer, journalist, security guard or even a dishwasher @ venues.

So How did I get such access to such great bands?????  Why Is this Post called Backstage Whore??????

Because I swapped Sex for laminates. . .  

I'm neither a groupie, nor am I really a whore (but I guess that depends on your opinion) but I've had sex backstage @many shows.

I didn't have sex at every show (but I did @ most lol), I didn't screw a bunch of strangers, weirdo's creeps or ugly fat dudes. I simply had sex with my husband - a man I loved with every fibre of my being @ the time. See It's not about what you know - but who you know lol!

AND . .    whilst I'm on the subject, if you mix sex  with something else that you are passionate about, or that turns you on - which for me is loud live music - the sex is simply exhilarating. Especially if doing it in public floats your boat. Backstage sex, where the bass is so loud the hairs on your arms stand up and move in time with the beat, In my opinion, Just can't be beat.

But despite how amazing all those experiences were, they also kind of ruined concerts for me. I no longer feel the excitement or enjoyment of watching bands live. Never again could I sit in a seat to watch the show . . . Now I no longer feel satisfied unless I'm @ least on the fence. It's like having sex without the orgasm.

Headwires

I'm filled with turmoil, with you all tangled up in my headwires. I can't quite think straight

I remembered you for all those years,
It's going to take a while to release the tears
all memories should fade in time
I hope to foget when u were mine.

Was it something you did deliberately? or just a cruel twist caused by fate?

Translation in progress. Please wait...

"Have you been headwired
Were you satisfied
Did it free the feelings in your spine
Sleeping way inside all this time
Will you meet your mind where the night collides
Will you greet yourself when the sun arrives
I'll just stay behind, I've met mine
Better than a bullet being fired
Tangled in your headwires now
Better than a bullet being fired
Tangled in your headwires
Headwires now
Help you feed the wires when your head unwinds
And if our headlines become entwined
You can have all mine, I'll be fine
There's a reason why keeping me alive
There's a cure in me that I wish were mine
As long as I can fight, I'll survive
Tangled in your headwires now
Better than a bullet being fired
Tangled in your headwires
Stationed on the wire, one day I'll let go
Tell them all hello
Tell them all hello
Stationed on the wire, one day I'll let go
Tell them all hello
Tell them all hello
The sun is on Arlandria
The sun is on Arlandria, headwires
The sun is on Arlandria
The sun is on Arlandria, headwires"

headwires - foo fighters

Heartbreak is pathetic. Unrequited love even more so.
Only one way to heal - & that is to walk through it.
These posts aren't here to make sense to all - just a way for me to release what I need to let go of.
A guy that I always thought looked like Dave Grohl, a guy that kissed me when this song played - a guy I couldve continued to love had I not fucked it all up.

I now realise why i stayed stuck in my liquid handcuffs without fighting to free myself for so very long - because reality hurts too much to cope with.

BUT - @ the end of the day, despite the pain. I learned a lot - mostly positive, but one definate negative - I'm stuck here - no longer hand cuffed, but still imprisoned by misery.

Muse

My muse

Most artists and creative types have a muse, one who inspires them to create their art, no matter what form their art is.

Edie Sedgwick is almost the Ultimate muse - Along with Campbell's Tomatoe soup She inspired Andy WarholI - I believe she also inspired Bob Dylan

I guess Frances Farmer was Kurt Cobain's muse to some extent - as I guess he is mine. Most people I know would think he would be my ultimate muse, he is my lyrical muse, a fellow tortured soul, & just someone I relate to in many weird and completely insane ways . . . I'm now officially seperated from Kurt Cobain by 2 degrees of seperation - more on that some other time.

Normally my art is inspired by events in my life, my emotions, and most often by music, lyrics and poetry. I was once told I had a Lyrical Soul, I truly believe this is true. But in all of my life I have never had one true muse.


I think I have found my own visual muse. She is beautiful, both outside and within. She is funny, caring, light hearted and deep @ the same time & is yet to take a bad photo. I see her day to day snapshots and envision works of art. I could write pages about her. She inspires me to the nth degree.

It has taken me a few months to digest that this person is my muse. At first it was an instant friendship, One that felt like your favourite comfy pyjama's. It felt like I had known her before, in a past life perhaps. At first I didn't quite realise why I felt such a strong magnetic like pull towards her. I even thought I had a crush on her (I'm 100% hetro, BUT I do strongly believe that when it comes to love gender doesn't necisarily blind our hearts), something I wasn't comfortable with - not because i'm homophobic - completely the opposite, but because she is so much younger than I am. She is a mere teenager. However over time I have gradually realised this feeling of love, appreciation & inspiration I'm feeling is because she is my muse.

I just don't have the courage to tell her yet.

P.S - this, like most of my posts, is un edited and raw. One day I will come back and give it some polish and finesse, but for now I just wanted to get it out, write it down.

-> what is a muse? Not even sure I can explain it - so check out muse @ wikipedia

Hurt by Pain

Pain fades, but Hurt is forever.

It is easy to forgive, much harder to forget, no matter how many years have passed, no matter how much the memory may fade as it sits in the "stacks" , It still exists and always will. But your perspective changes with time.

Such is the famous cliche ". . .in time, this to shall pass"

Time is the greatest healer of all.

I had healed, but I had not forgotten. Yet the memory had become so faded and frail, to the point where I overlooked it entirely and jumped in wth both feet, my eyes wide shut, just to het hurt again, only this time much worse.

he

He sits alone in the basement, on an old well worn bed, strumming his beat up guitar. He only knows 5 chords, but he just makes up all the rest.
He pausses, the dark. dank room floods with silence. No one else is home, but still, he stays hidden down in the basement.
Concrete walls & an unfinished floor. Colorless and bland.
He tosses his head, throwing his long dark hair out of his eyes & starts to play again.
His amp is distorted, the notes echoing in his self imposed cement cell.