my new home on the web

coming soon

What's one thing you own that you should probably throw away, but never will?

Some clothes that either don't fit or are starting to perish - such items include: My Led Zepplin shirt - a hot hot hot guy gave me for my 15th b'day. He took it straight off his back. Not sure if the shirt or the great view was my true gift, but I will never let it go.
#2 a t shirt with a hot hot hot picture of jasmine hirst (gooogle her) and a gun. It says so many men so few bullets - classic. It was a gift for my 16th b'day
#3 the teeny tiny waisted skirt I was wearing the day I met my ex - my son's dad. Also from when I was 16

Yes the best times of my life were half my lifetime ago!

Ask me anything

Silence Sucks

Silence Sucks - Just ask Martin Luther King Jnr...

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

Or Bob Dylan 

Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.

Yet Confucius says:

Silence is the true friend that never betrays.

Maybe now - with the wisdom of confucius I can start to understand your silence.

My Bucket List

My Bucket List - V1.0

I figure everyone should have a 'Bucket List' - A list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket!


So I have resolved to start my own. I think 100 Items in the list is fair - I will have to come back and edit it to add some, and tick off those I have done.

But for now I present - Version 1.0 of My Bucket List

1. Drink real Absinthe - the green spirit that was long banned
2. Eat something that has truffles in it
3. Have Jello (jelly for us in oz) shots
4, Meet Dave Grohl
5, Learn to play Love buzz on a bass
6. Leave some graffiti under the bridge
7. Go to the Atlantis Resort
8. Have breakfast and read the morning paper in central park
9. Ride Lethal Weapon @ Movie World
10.Get My MC (Multi Combination) licence - to legally drive a B-Double
11. Have sex in a body of water
12. Watch all of the Star Wars movies
13. Watch the entirety of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy (I always fall asleep after they leave the shire)
14. Live in a city other than Sydney
15. Go Skinny dipping
16. Finish a Quilt so it can become a family heirloom
17. Finish the quilts my nan didn't get to
18. Be a size 16 again (well I can hope)
19. Get 'Cause the one's that hurt can give so much, you gave me such' tattooed on me
20. Do @ least one more demolition Derby

I think I will leave it @ 20 for now... The one thing I'd like to re-experience before I die is being pregnant and giving birth - crazy huh? lol  Maybe I only wish that because I know it can't happen!

til version 1.2 - ciao

Ibanez - and a hot chick

As the title says - its a hot girl with an ibanez guitar...

... would look hotter if it were a Fender Jag-Stang!!

More Love Buzz

This is a bit of an experimental post - just to check out this cool online mp3 player - Im going to start an actual real and proper blog soon, so I'm just checking out some features I'd like to add to it.

This being one of them - get yours @ mixpod.com

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

I can't stop these tears from falling

Another Artistic creation - although I'm not even close to happy with the outcome - again credits to blog.spoongraphics.co.uk  for the wet ink typography tutorial which helped me create this.

I'm Definately on a typographical journey today

Font used is - Kingthings Serifique - which you can download free @ dafont.com

& a slightly different version - not sure if you can tell the difference - I'll definitely re-visit this project again.

Version 2

VIOLET - the poster via spoon graphics

Violet - a text poster created with a tutorial from spoon graphics

I love Typography

And for the longest time have wanted to do a bunch of typographical art - but only now that I have re-formatted my laptop and re-installed photoshop - I can FINALLY do them.

However after reading through Chris's Tutorial I think the same thing could be achieved using Corel's Paint Shop Pro - however it would be a much more laborious project.

Find more cool tutorials along with graphics and web related goodies @ blog.spoongraphics.co.uk

I code like a girl

But I am a GIRL

Yet still... I'm proud I code like a girl... this blog here being the exception to said rule.

Another quick note - this may be my final post - I'm about to reformat my laptop and fear I will get cut off from the world permanently by doing this - so if you are somehow reading this I ♥ you.

If I were a meme

I love meme's - so this is probably the first of many to come...

I took this meme from Decoy Betty - & I know it needs to be reformated - but need to just store it here in case I haven't saved it before I reformat my laptop

If I were a month: February - always changing, it's the only month that changes

If I were a day of the week: I'd be a lazy Saturday afternoon - as on Sunday you have to get ready for monday.
If I were a time of day: I'd be 10:43pm - the most common time of day people have sex - or 3 am...
the witching hour - it's 3 am in the morning...eminem
If I were a planet: I'd be venus - mysterious and uncharted, but with a temperature so high it prohibits life.

If I were a sea animal:I'd be a great white shark
If I were a direction: I'd be north - so you could work out where you were when compared to me
If I were a piece of furniture: I'd be a comfy beat up sofa - may not look great but f*ckin comfy.

If I were a liquid: I'd be coke - vanilla coke

If I were an animal: I'd be a chamealeon - ever changing to try to fit into my surroundsif
If I were a gemstone, I’d be amethyst (kinda obvious - violet/pisces/febuary) - or a bright deep pink or black saphire

If I were a tree:I'd be a willow

If I were a tool: I'd be a swiss army knife - useful for all kinds of little things, but not useful for anything major.
If I were a flower: I'd be a vivid pink lily - or the ones from Meg's boquet (?)


If I were a kind of weather: I'd be the raging thunder storm after a hot summers day - the southerly that roars through
the gong and shire to chase the heat away


If I were a musical instrument: I'd be a bass guitar (but would love to be Dave grohl's set of drums!)

If I were a color: I'd be - well I am violet - but if I were a color... I could never stay the same - so a deep
holographic purple that changes colors depending on how you look at it - like on worked v8's.


If I were an emotion: I'd be that one funny moment that makes you smile whilst in the depths of great despair
- or the comfort in being sad

If I were a fruit: I'd be a blueberry - just cause they're cool

If I were a sound: I'd be the reverberation of Dave Grohl hitting a drum - or the bass line to love buzz
If I were an element, I’d be fire - despite my love of water - Fire can throw light into deep darkness, illumination and enlightenment, comfort and warmth yet also burn, damaging and destroying. Good and bad all converged into one..
If I were a car: I’d be a pony named Elanore
If I were a food: I'd be a steak sandwich form the grand Hyatt in Melbourne.
If I were a place, I’d be the safe comfort of my own bedroom - one for only me - my posters on the wall, my mattress on the floor.
If I were a material: I’d be well worn cotton jersey or pale soft faded denim
If I were a taste: I'd be a tequila sunrise, sweet yet sharp
If I were a scent: my favorite incense - nag champra
If I were an object: I'd be a goose down body pillow.
If I were a body part: I'd be a pregnant belly or a tattooed piece of skin
If I were a facial expression: I'd be the look of a light bulb switching on in someone's mind.
If I were a song: I'd be Violet - 'when I get what I want - then I never want it again' 'might last a day... might last forever'(or rape me - you're shit aint gunna bring me down)
If I were a pair of shoes: I'd be my rare cherry red & black marbled Docs - found in my size ( a stupidly huge 10) for $8 in a salvo's store

It's over

?

I just can't fight anymore.

I'm too insecure and overflowing with fear to relax and be happy.

I hate it. I hate myself.




Somehow Silence replaced screaming as the answer.

Perspective

Somedays my problems weigh me down. They spin my mind like a gravitron, pinning me against the wall, unable to move.

Today is one of those days. My mind is over whelmed by the various disasters that are playing out on the stage that is my life.

Then whilst I'm amidst my own mess of self pity and loathing along comes Ewan McGregor and Charlie Borman & their documentary "The Missing Face". Highlighting the devastation and despair caused by the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the worst affected area on the planet - Africa.

It really put my problems in perspective. My 13 yr old may hate me, but he has two parents to care for him, He isn't responsible for 5 younger siblings, he is getting an education and he is healthy. If he had HIV he could, at the very least, receive medical care.

Things that I might be facing are microscopic compared to what these amazing kids are living with and facing on a daily basis- Check out the missing face website & get involved.

It is our world to live in. It is our world to care for.

torn

I should be happy today. I should be celebrating. I have made it through an entire year. It has been a year since I quit methadone.

I've made it through the sickness and fought the agonising physical pain that led me to the evil stuff in the first place.

Instead of celebrating I'm wishing I could run away.

I'm 31 for shits sake - but I'm wishing I could run away!

Im not suicidal, nor am I depressed, but I still don't want to face another day trapped in my life.

I used to say - "You always have a choice - even when it seems you don't" but the 'choice' was to kill yourself. I got over my teenage angst and suicidal tendencies, but it doesn't make choices easier.

Do I stay here miserable and hated or do I run away?

Only problem is that I don't know where to run to...

I AM TORN

Silent... again

The Rock Star has gone silent on me once again.

Perhaps she pushed too far and wore out her welcome.

Not Knowing is agonising... AGAIN

If she knew the reason she could deal.

Someone Died

Someone Died.

I have known people who have died. I have known people who have killed themselves, and many more who have tried. I once even died myself.

I have a close friend who has a very close family member who has taken someone's life. Upon reflection, My amazing cousin most likely has taken lives as well, considering he's a soldier who has had a number of front line assignments or deployments. (Although I would never ever ask him about it.)

I killed a magpie a few months ago when I hit it with my car. I was rather upset.

On February 26th (which happened to be the 23rd anniversary of my brother Justin's death) A huge fight broke out in Port Macquarie. I'm not going to try and give the details as there are far too many versions floating about.

Essentially two groups of guys clashed, one of the guys was killed as he stumbled out onto the road into the path of an oncoming car as a result of the fight. A second guy is, as far as I know still in hospital recovering from the beating.

Here are two articles I found regarding it:
www.dailytelegraph.com.au
www.smh.com.au
www.maxynews.com -1
www.maxynews.com - 2

It Isn't just because it happened locally that has me rattled, It's the fact that I know, and am or was (fuck I don't know the status of our relationship now) friends with the guy who caused the young man to be killed. I was friends with Brendo through my X. And am floored by the fact him, along with 3 of his brothers were responsible for the death of another.

Only a week ago was I in a meeting with my son and his school principal regarding my son's anger management issues. The principal told the story of the young man being killed due to an argument, explaining to my son how this was caused by mis-placed anger and rage. Illustrating how if we can't control our anger it can cause us great harm.

My son has a lot of agro, as does his dad. I'm scared/frightened/sad that a friend did this, whether he meant to or not; he took a life. I think the scariest thought is that if my X had been there that night - he would've jumped in the car without a second thought, and would now be sitting in a jail cell.

My heart goes out to the families affected by this whole tragedy, to those whose son has died, to those who's son was injured, as well as to the families of those in the wrong. Especially Jess.

Brendo & Jess are expecting their first child together within the next month.

Keep you anger in check people!!!

Which Way Now

Lost. Confused. Isolated. Uncertain. Scared.

I feel incredibly insecure. Insecurity scares me. Instability scares me. I am flooded with fear. (& overwhelmed by cliche's!!)

Choose - And you can only have one. You don't get to be the girl with the most cake. . .

The man you have loved, truly deeply loved, who love's you back, but it isn't fun, the excitement is gone and you are constantly feeling melancholy, yet you are secure in the fact therelationship will last if you are willing to put in the effort. . .

OR

The guy who turns you on and excites you. The one you have crushed on for years. The one you think is hotter than hot, but you feel is just using you. No security, no love, you are just an atm and fuck buddy. But he makes you happy and He's a sex god. . .

Which path do you take. . .

Good to Me

I've got a 1980 Volvo
I get in, start it up and I go
It's not a vintage Cadillac
But it always gets me there and back


And it'll always be good to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me

I've got a beat up Silvertone amp
I plug it in and it sounds like a champ
It's not a Fender Tweed Deluxe
It only cost me a couple o' bucks

But it'll always sound good to me
Always sound good to me
Always sound good to me
Always sound good to me
Always sound good to me

I've got a girlfriend, she's so true
And no other kind of girl will do
'Cause I've known lots of girls in the past
And I knew none of their love would last

But this one will always be true to me
Always be true to me
Always be true to me
Always be true to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me
Always be good to me

Always be good to me
Good to me
True to me
True to me



I don't need anything fancy, I don't need a man to be rich, I don't need to drive a hotted up car.
All I need are things in life that are ... Good to me do loo doo loodoo lodo

(Ive had the spazzy guitar riff stuck in my head for days!!)

Broken

Broken    Beaten    Bruised    Busted    Burned    Battered     Belted    Bent    Bewildered     

Sorry

Sorry, I apologise, and ask forgiveness.

I am repentant, remorseful and penitent.

But not for the bad times, as without them the good times wouldn't have been so great.

The deeper the darkness, the brighter the light.

I am simply sorry that things had to degrade in order for things to change.

We have entered winter unprepared and fight against the force of nature. It will get bitter and frostbite may ravage our hearts, But hold tight to hope, for spring is around the corner.

Without an end we cannot start anew. It is from the endings that beginnings spring.

After all we have lived and loved I am sorry the ending has to be so harsh and cruel. This isn't the way I wanted things to be. I will always love you.